I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t stayed home

how to open a vial of morphine

take off the seal, leave the stopper

insert the tiny syringe into the tiny hole in the top of the vial,

perfect fit!

hospice lady said I was lucky 

pharmacy sent the fancy vial

hold it upside down

draw 0.5 out

stand over my husband

insert syringe into lower cheek

push

he winces, must taste bad

I palm his cheek and rub in circles

do that every 3 hours

then it’s 0.75

he pinches his eyes closed tight

his breathing sounds like a Dremel tool

his hands are cold but 

he is drenched under the covers

I remove the quilt

he has wet himself

I cover what I can with a pad and

roll him to the other side 

he cries in pain, first sound in 4 days

I wipe his face, head, chest with a cool damp towel

I play our song, phone close to his ears

I tell him I love him

he smiles!

I wouldn’t have known had I not stayed home

how to let him go, let him not be in pain

I wouldn’t have known had I not stayed home

that HE knew I loved him

I wouldn’t have known had I not stayed home

that he texted me from the other side

“Goodnight, Twin”